I hate life

Rant, the sequel(but just talking about me this time, no bashing on others)

TW for gender dysphoria(big fucking vent time let's go)

...

Yeah, fine, let's. Let's do this.

First off, no, I am not "overly dramatic". This life does fucking suck. Like, what good is in it? What, some games? That's it? Why should I bother? When I do bother, it sucks, and when I don't, it sucks aswell. I said to myself a total of n amounts of time that I'll start doing x, y and z. It never happens. I never get to it. I just lose time like a moron. I said that I'll try to accept who I am. Didn't happen. I said that I'll try to make my life better. Didn't happen. I hate myself. And why shouldn't I? Whenever I see a reflexion of any sort, I avoid it like the plague. Whenever I see an image that has me in it, I'm getting off that image the next moment. And don't even get me started on how I look without clothes... I want to cry, but I can't. I want to throw up, but I can't. I want to be better, but I...can't.

I'll just never be happy, that's just the truth. It's just not plausable. To be happy, you need something that can bring said happiness. Yeah, and what would that be? Fuck all, that's what it is.

I hate myself for every single reason imaginable. I'm antisocial, and awkward as shit. I look atrocious. I get gender envy from basically any girl I may see, either at school or not. It's just not fair. I will never look like that. I'll never be able to look as good as transfems who found out earlier.

Oh, yeah, that aswell. The doubt. The fact that i never did anything feminine, yet think that I'm a women? What a farce. And then you have others, who whether they realize it or not, they're hurting others(me) with their stories. Like, oh, what's that? You knew you were trans from middle school? Oh, how...fun...(Totally not crumbling on the inside whenever I hear that, no... Obviously not...). Oh, what's that? Your mom painted your nails when you were younger? Aha... I see... Good for you...(Totally not stabbing my inner self right now. Never would I do that...)

Yeah, sorry for not being born in "better conditions", okay? Sorry that this universe made me start doubting it all. Sorry that I ain't got the parents who'd get me therapy, and not try to stop any sort of experimenting. Sorry that my dad didn't let me grow my hair out. Sorry that I'm too terrified to buy fem clothes. Sorry for even bothering you. I should just go cover myself with a blanket and sleep forever. Maybe then I won't be a burden to anyone. Just to myself. As I should be.

In conclusion, I'm tired. Tired of it all. Tired of not knowing what, no. Tired of not knowing who I am. Tired of getting depressed from the littlest shit. Tired of having to act like I'm 'fine'. Tired of hearing all of this shit against people like me. My own dad said that people can't die of stress. I might just prove him wrong in this rhythm.

Just, idk... Do whatever you want with this information. Talk to me, give me 'advice'(advice in quotes because the last thing I want to hear is 'Oh, you've come too far to give up', 'We're here for you', 'Just give it time', 'Oh, even cis women are similar in x way', and whatnot. I know that these comments are not in bad faith, but they don't 'move' me or whatever).

I'm tired. Going to sleep. (And no, not forever. Not yet, atleast).