Please...help...

Yeah, your favourite(I hope) person of misery is back at it again.

What is it this time?

Like always, even I would want to know.

But that never happens. Just more questions than answers.

...

Enough drama, let's get to it.

I feel like my self confidence is dying, bit by bit. Why? Well, to begin with, looks. I hate, and when I say hate, I mean HATE seeing myself. Be it a reflection, a picture, whatever–it pains me. Hell, just a couple days ago I got that FROM MY MOTHERFUCKING SHADOW!! ARE YOU MENTAL??? WHY??? DAMN IT!!!

Secondly, I feel like a failure. What did i ever achieve? Nothing. What will I ever achieve? Probably more nothing. I am passing through this life just as a spectator. I never get around to do anything even though most of the time all I do is watch stupid ass youtube vids. I have a whole piano keyboard which is dusting away yet never get to it.

Thirdly, I feel like my own opinions are miserable. I was playing Umineko recently and heard something interesting. Something along the lines of "your happiness tortures me"(don't remember the exact quote but whatever). And I was thinking...that it was true. And it pisses me off. I may read some post about a random person's day and get to a part where they say "oh, I did x with my girlfriend"... Whyyyy??????? I am forever cursed to be single!!!! This is not fair!!! Like who the fuck would date someone as shallow as me????

Anyways. Whenever I hear that, my brain just blanks out. That person could be through the deepest shit right now and I'd still be jealous. And that annoys me. Instead of wishing for them to be better, I just envy every little thing and try to cut that person's comment down to size just to make myself feel better.

Now, I know what some will say. "Oh, just give it time", "It will eventually be good for you aswell" and whatnot. And fine, that may be true. I would ask "Okay, when?" but I do realise that it's a rhetorical question. So, I will ask instead "Okay, and what should I do until then?" That is my question to you all aswell. Why should I just wait for something that may never come? Like, who am I to know if I will look good? Even if by some miracle I could start transitioning at, i don't know, 21(that is if this stupid ass eastern european country that I am from won't do some rere shit), I'd still never look anywhere close to what most trans girls who had T blockers way before they were 18 look like. It's just not fair. Is it my fault that I was born in this circumstances? "Just persevere"? You think I have the will to persevere when there are people who can get through this just cuz of circumstances? Just cuz they rolled the dice of life better than me? Why should I? It's just more misery.

To wrap this off... I just want someone to talk to me. Anyone. If I can't get any real human interaction this could be a replacement. So, if you do have spare time, you can message me(https://discord.gg/WyJVSufR or just search me @fracturerei). If I didn't answer right off the rip, I probably were asleep or doing something else. Just give me time aswell. I'd prefer it to be actual helpful messages but if you don't want to just deal with my miserable ass I can understand it.

Anyways, good night. And (hopefully) a good day aswell.