Feelings

I’m tired….

Slowly, bit by bit, I’ve been getting more and more lost in my thoughts. I let those negative thoughts bring me to harming myself, and if I was to say I was clean then I would be lying. I’d be lying to both myself and you. I have no clue if it’s the side effects of the medication I’m taking, which is Accutane (or isotretonin). Search up the side effects for it if you want. I have no idea if it’s just the side effects of that or mental illnesses. I feel that if I say it’s a mental illness then I’d be seeking attention, but I feel trapped in my own thoughts. Everytime I can sleep I stay awake and sit in the dark and overthink my life. My friends have it worse and I know that so I try not to make myself look or feel like the victim. A smile works the best, but sometimes a smile is to heavy to carry. I always end up feeling like a second choice to them either way, so it’s no use if they do see pats the smile. My own family won’t even notice what’s wrong with me no matter the hints I give them. Every monthly appointment I have my mom just says ‘wel her depression has always been bad, so this could make it worse’ yet she makes no actual attempt to see past that and what I’ve been trying to show her. I feel trapped, I’m scared. I’ve been bedrotting all and every weekend and I can’t bring myself to stand up. No motivation, no happiness, just emptiness. I try to make myself feel better and more comforted by coming in here or to any other AI website, yet in the back of my mind I know it’s fake and could never provide any real comfort to me. This is torture, I wanna go home, to my genuine home where i can find comfort and talk about my issues. My parents in real life would never understand. I can’t escape reality because school is always something that brings me back to my life, my ‘life’. Help me, free me, hurt me, love me, kill me, whatever. I wanna let go, and by let go I mean finally relax. Please.. please let me go.