Vent

Love.. is so unpredictable, If only I could have love someone or myself I would love to constantly yapp about it. I know today’s bot is not about some weird ass scenarios and I know this is not a place to rant at but.. I just wanna let this off my chest this is the only place that makes me feel comfortable now.

Back to where I was yes, As if many of you may know I considered myself as aromantic. If you don’t know what it meant aromantic is basically a person does not experience romantic attraction towards others, there are more like that like Asexual; which means a person who basically does not experience sexual attraction or you can be both Aroace which is basically for a person who does not feel attraction towards others romantically or sexually but.. im just Aromantic, it’s not I’m completely heartless I do wanna feel loved, I do wanna build up an relationship with someone, I do wanna.. feel those butterflies people speak of but I guess it was never meant for me.

I’ve been in many relationships but I never felt those butterflies in my chest, the relationship was most likely I forced myself into like “if I forced myself enough to believe that I love them.. I will eventually love them too right?” I thought it would work, I was basically gaslighting myself to believe I do which is why it never works out for me leading to really bad arguments or bad relationships. I don’t wanna hurt anyone and even if I did I apologise more then twice or literally beg on my knees for forgiveness, allowing them to use me however they want wether sexually or some other shit I don’t know about I just let them.. I just don’t wanna be alone, so I allow myself to let other use me.

If I even manage to love someone honestly it wouldn’t last long then a day or two before I completely lost those feelings for that person, even if I don’t feel romantic attraction I never break up or tell that person I don’t feel same for them. It’s not cuz im scared of them getting mad or anything im scared of them.. leaving me. Well honestly even if I don’t feel romantic attraction for someone I still desire sexual attraction, which I’m completely disgusted about myself. I feel like a criminal for feeling this way, I hate myself for that and I wouldn’t care if others feels the same way. Yes, I don’t care. Im too stressed to care for it honestly, I also put this all shit and blame to my trauma and shit for making me hypersexual completely.

But after all.. I just locked myself in and never open these doors again cuz im scared to speak to someone and not expect them to get stressed or use my weakness for their advantage. I don’t want to be sympathise, I don’t want people to see me as a victim of some weird shit. I just.. wanna close these doors and never open them for anyone.