𝙾𝚝𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚕𝚘𝚜𝚜

Is JanitorAI lowkey the worst place to talk about these things? I 'dunno, i just really need to vent with some people and write some poethic shit. My friends encouraged me to keep finding ways to occupy myself and maybe make my brain work. I figured maybe i should actually come here for once and tell you all what exactly im going through.

This text is really big and sad. Don't read it if you don't feel like it.

Last year my grandpa had a seizure, i've been living with him ever since i was born in this same 'ol apartment i still live at to this day.

My grandpa was a bit of an asshole. In terms of personality mostly. Very close-minded and had a dry sense of humor. He made of my hobbies, my way of speaking (eu tenho sotaque de paulista e moro em Maceió), even my own appearance. I never truly fucked with him like i fuck with my mom or my brother for example.

But i reckon he had a lot of importance in my family, in my household and even in my life. He was old, yet there he was. Taking care of the bills, the taxes, the little issues within the house like fixing a shower handle or a broken piece of furniture. He took care of everything, he made my apartment stay stable even if he was already pushing his 80s. And when he did turn 80 things worsened out a lot.

I recall he had lots of health problems, and mostly mental ones. But my grandpa's demise was his stress.

My grandfather, being the man of the house, was always exposed to constant stress in every way imaginable. Not to mention his family didn't help him either, they were all a bunch of assholes too as far as i know. His entire existence in his late life was basically just dealing with a shit ton of stress. He even outright argued with my grandma, screamed at her. Over things i don't really remember, and don't want to remember either.

And as i said at the beggining of this text, he had a seizure last year. He and my grandma had a little old apartment they used to rent, i don't even know if that thing's still in their name anymore. One of the tenants did some crazy shit i don't even know to be honest, and it got my grandpa so stressed, so FUCKING stressed something inside his brain snapped.

And boom, my grandpa's a vegetable now. Kinda.

Can you imagine how hard that must've been for him? Not even i can to be honest. He did everything in the house, and now suddenly he can't even go out to buy bread and some lottery tickets. He couldn't walk by himself, eat by himself, sleep by himself. He was nearly like a baby. He needed help to use the bathroom, take showers, and my grandma became his caretaker. So did my mother, my uncle and me from time to time. I was a bit more on the sidelines though, i understand they didn't want to worry me with those things. But i did help when he called my name. I did wish for a speedy recovery, yet i feel like i haven't done enough.

Did i talk to him enough? Encourage him enough? At some point i became used to having him like this, but maybe i should've been less used to it. And more keen on helping him recover from it.

And that's sad, because he developed a great depression.

He became outright suicidal, he constantly told us he wanted to die. There was this one day he tried to swallow 10 sleeping pills at once but 3 of them fell down from his hand mid-motion. It was horrible, they had to take him to the hospital and do a drainage, y'know when they stick a tube inside you and drain everything on your stomach? He went through that.

His mental health was just horrible, he got mad at everything. He was impatient, he was helpless, he felt like a burden to us. But at least my grandma was there to help him. She became his caretaker above his wife i guess, she loved him a lot. They had been married for more than 50 years if i remember correctly.

And then last may my grandma got diagnosed with leukemia.

I spent nearly 40 days without seeing her, she lives with me too.

It was already bad for me, can you imagine how bad it was for my grandpa? He didn't just lose the person that cared for him, he lost his wife. And none of us had any idea if she'd actually be able to bounce back. She was in the ICU, came to the room, came back to the ICU and then back to her room again. And this in around 4 weeks if im not mistaken.

My grandpa couldn't take it, his body was already on its last efforts to keep him going. So, he had a heart failure. It was a mild one, but they obviously took him to the hospital anyway.

And then suddenly both my grandparents were hospitalized.

I was broken, i was desperate, i didn't know what to do. There wasn't really anything i could do anyway. My mom constantly broke down in front of me multiple times. The house felt lonely, empty. But i kept going, living my life. It was the least i could do i guess.

My grandpa got out of the hospital, and a few weeks later so did my grandma. I felt so happy when they reunited, they looked so emotional. All they did was hold their hands, yet their looks were of pure love and longing.

But my grandpa was so quiet, i felt like that was weird.

3 days later my grandpa passed away from a heart attack, and i saw it all happen in front of my eyes. It was so sudden, he had just got done cutting his hair. His barber spent the last few months coming to our house to visit him. He made a promise to my grandma that he would only shave his beard when she came back, he had a really hairy face up untill that point.

And then after that, my uncle took him to take a shower. And mid-way through it my grandpa started muttering out 'i'm getting weak, i'm getting weak'. Those were his last words, my uncle screamed for my name. We tried to take him to the bed but he just collapsed on his bedroom's floor. I think he probably lasted about 5 to 6 minutes before truly passing away to be honest.

But that didn't stop us, didn't stop me. My uncle stayed with him while i rushed around the house, bringing things to help. Calling people. Even called our neighbour and the building's janitor to help. But that was THE day i guess. It was poethic, my uncle cared a lot after my grandpa too. And he died on his arms.

We did call the ambulance, but they took too long to arrive. Around 20 minutes, and when they did arrive they didn't try much. It was obvious he was gone, he was purple, he was cold. No pulse, no air coming out of his mouth or nose.

When they announced him dead, i collapsed on my knees. But i immediately went to my room, my little brother was sleeping while all of this happened. And i stayed there to look after him, if he exited the room he'd get a straight view of my grandpa's corpse.

He's only 9, when we broke down the news to him he started crying a lot. My mom told him that my grandpa went to heaven, and he just kept saying 'no he didn't! no he didn't!' in between tears. I was devasted too, i cried a lot in that day. My mom wasn't even in the house, she was in the hospital with my grandma while she did her chemo. My mom cried, my uncle outright screamed out of sadness at his funeral. I looked after my brother a lot that day, talked to him a lot. He was confused, i was too.

And now, here i am. It's been exactly a week since he passed. And im worried sick, for my grandma mostly. She's clearly depressed and sad. But she didn't even had time to mourn, she's too worried over her own problems. She told my mom the only reason she's still fighting for us is that she doesn't want us to lose her too, but she says she can't handle the pain either.

My mom and uncle say they're fine, but i 'dunno. I lost my grandpa, they lost their father.

And what about me?

I don't know man, i really don't know what to do. Im lost, i never had to go through this before. And im really fucking scared i'll lose my grandma too. Really really scared. But i know one thing: I've gotta keep going.

I know it sounds cliche, but it's how we deal with loss. We eventually accept them and keep going, you can't let a thing like this decide what'll happen with the rest of your life. Humans are as fragile as flowers, we can die over ANYTHING man. I can wake up tomorrow choke on my breakfast and die in a matter of seconds.

This is why im trying to convince myself that i need to have hope. And you need to have hope too.

Superman's the thumb of this text because he represents hope. Its none of that shit Snyder did about making him a God amongst man. Superman's just a nice fella that happens to be able to fly and be bulletproof. But he's hopeful that by doing what's right humanity will change for the better. I think we all need to learn from Superman and have hope too.

So im trying really really fucking hard to have hope, even made his S my desktop wallpaper to remind myself that were all superheroes. Even you reading this text, maybe you're going through something that's even worser than what im going through.

But that's all right man, things will get better. Cry if you need to, but don't lose yourself to despair. Our life's short, so we have to keep living like there's no tomorrow no matter how hard things get. No matter how dark things get. Just keep going and keep trying to do better little by little.

This isn't a goodbye post, maybe it's a hello post really. I don't think it's even safe for me to open up to stuff like this in the internet on the first place. Let alone on a site where people enter just to roleplay to bots and even goon at them. But i consider you to be my friend, yeah. You reading this text. Were friends. Im here for you, and i hope you'll be here for me.

Im releasing a Yelena Belova bot in the next few days. Just need to have the patience and the willpower. But i'll get to it when i get to it.

Thanks for reading all the way untill here! Don't be too sad about me, i know God doesn't do anything without a purpose. And for as long as im in this website, i'll keep trying to spread positivity and fluff content. Even if i won't become the most followed guy here, i'll be happy to know i could brighten up ONE person's day.

Should i adopt the Superman aesthetic on my profile? I lowkey fuck with him and hopemaxxing.

Anyways, peace out. My birthday's on July 6th so buy me a present or something.
I love you, all of you.








Be respectful on the comments, even if you have bad things to say about me or this text.



















VAI TOMAR NO CU MEU DEUS PORQUE A GENTE PEGOU O BAYERN VEI, O BAYERN. OS CARAS JOGAM COMO SE TIVESSEM AMEAÇADO A FAMÍLIA DELES. INFERNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO