Update - Sorry

Hey y'alls. Sorry for not posting in so long, shit's been crazy so I thought I'd write this as a bit of an update to everyone about what's been going on and why I haven't been writing in a while. My thoughts might be out of order, sorry, I'm writing this on the fly. Trigger warning for heavy shit and mentions of hospital stuff.

So basically, I have a surgery scheduled for myself in January to take out a few kidney stones I developed back in the beginning of last year, but since the surgery got pushed back so far, I ended up having one lodge itself in my urethral tract and block it entirely. I ended up going to the hospital that very same day, and after a lot of calls with my urologist and a lot of imaging done, it was decided that because my bladder was almost completely full and I couldn't expel urine for over 8 hours, I had to get a catheter put in while they figured out what to do.

The woman who did my catheter (despite me being obviously being inexperienced and having it put in my files that I have a serious past with sexual trauma/abuse) was super rough - and because I already think I have endometriosis lining my urethral tract and bladder - the catheter hurt so badly I almost fainted while she was putting it in, and she screwed it up and didn't put it in correctly, giving me what I hope is not permanent damage to my internals down there. (She was very harsh taking it out as well.)

I haven't been healing well at all since I've been back home (I went to the hospital on the sixth, and I'm writing this at 4AM on the 15th), and I suspect I'll have some sort of permanent damage from this bullshit. I've been staying on acetaminophen around the clock, CBD gummies around twice everyday, and a whole bunch of other medications prescribed to me, and the mental effects this visit took on me has made me dissociated almost all hours of the day now - something I struggled with almost constantly before this due to mental health struggles. I still have lasting pain throughout my entire bladder, kidneys, ureter, and urethral tract, I've lost all sensation of needing to urinate anymore, and the pain is so bad that I'm unable to sit in any seat non-reclined because it puts too much pressure on everything down there.

Needless to say, I've been struggling. My mental health has went to shit, my physical health has went to shit, I can't stop having fucking flashbacks to everything, and I can't stay lucid long enough to write or draw or unpack everything. The idea of anything involving sexual organs makes me want to cry at this point, and I think I just need a break from everything until I heal.

I don't really know how long I might be gone, but I just need a break for a while, I'm really sorry. Uh please don't be mad or anything, I feel like shit having to take a break right as I've just started to get attention and feedback for my work, but I need it. Thanks, love you lot <3