𝐀𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 .

Update??? Don't twitter cancel me pls I'm delicate :(

I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I feel like I should explain why I'm so inactive. I don't want to quit Janitor, but due to many reasons, it's hard for me to find any motivation to do anything for it. A lot of it has to do with my mental health conditions, which I won't fully disclose because of privacy! But it makes me quite erratic and makes me make decisions I usually wouldn't. On many occasions, I have nearly deleted every single Wally Darling bot I've made or even deleted my entire account. Why? Irrational disgust and impostor syndrome. Huge imposter syndrome and a heavy dose of mental illness. For months, I have tried to overcome it, but it only gets worse. Your kind words in the comments, while they make me feel good, only make the pressure that I put on myself worse. I've made so many promises and plans that I've never gone through with because I'm so impulsive, and I feel deeply guilty for those things. I'm letting people down, and it makes me hate my platform. I know it's not really a big deal, it's just a small account that makes bots, and yet it feels like the weight of the world on my chest, and it's hard.

Another reason is just because Janitor has been shit recently. And I've found it very hard to feel any patience and understanding. The LLM used to be so much better than this, but each time we're promised it'll get better, things only seem to do the opposite. With every website upgrade, the LLM gets worse. It's impossible for me to find any motivation to make bots that'll only ever act in 1 of 3 default ways, even if I try to make them deep, layered characters with well-written personalities–they always turn into watered-down gooner slop. And sure, I do make gooner content but sometimes I want to make something with plot and story and it always turns out shit and it's so fucking disheartening and frustrating. I haven't seen any other creators talking about this, so maybe I'm just irrational and insane, I don't know.

I'm hugely burnt out and it sucks because I want to create bots for you, my followers, but anytime I try the reward of getting to see my hard work is ruined by the bullshit that the LLM spits out. I feel no hope for the LLM ever really getting better. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic about that, but when the pattern has only ever been a slow, steady, sad decline, it would take a huge miracle for me to suddenly be able to support this website the way I used to.

So, I'm not quitting, I'm still here in the background reading reviews and talking to bots, even if actually uploading has become a rarity. I just felt like I had to get this off my chest. Thank you.

If you want to talk to me, you can message me directly on Discord: anxqel.