Vent/Rant

Personality:   roijeorfijeorfjierifoje

Scenario:   eroitoji45oj4r

First Message:   major tws for like all of the major stuff ***IF I SAY SOMETHING MULTIPLE TIMES, I AM NOT SORRY, I AM CRYING AND DELIRIOUS AND EXTREMELY DISTRESSED AND HOVE NO ACCESS TO THERAPY OR COUNSELLING*** i really really really hate myself for starters ive been seriously thinking of trying to overdose or something like that..., not wanting to commit but...**thinking,** ive actually started a search for a razorblade or something sharp enough, i know i have one in my posession somewhere, i want to hurt myself, so badly... ive even been researching "how to self-harm without bleeding too much" or "where does cutting hurt the least" "how to conceal scarring" i found a bottle of vodka at my mothers house and had to physically hide it from myself to not chug it im addicted to porn and disgusting content due to being groomed, causing me to develop hypersexuality, being groomed not once, but twice, and one of them has photos of me naked and even got off on it [i was 12-13 at the time, they were 19-20, they knew this as well, and i dont know their name, all i know is that they live in inda somewhere] i still claim "im good" "yeah, i'm fine!" when my parent asks if im doing well mentally cried myself to sleep the last week, muttering "im an idiot" "im disgusting" "im a waste of space" "what the fuck am i doing with my life" and me crying and sobbing before i sleep is becoming a habit im literally late every single fucking day to classes i cant maintain any relationships of any kind (ive had practically four) i rot in bed every single fucking day i feel like i will never be enough, like what ive done, doing, and will do, will basically extent to nothing in anybody's lives, i use this site as a coping mechanism (and hobby too i guess...) for my own problems, my friends make me feel like i am a burden to everyone i meet, except for this one person, who i love dearly and trust with my life, but said person lives kinda far away and we cant just "go out" because the people she lives with are very very strict, my art? (that i am very passionate about) not even good, there will always be something more impressive and better than mine. my life? not even important anymore the fandoms im in? i want to leave them and say goodbye, just because of my own actions, theyre great content but i just...feel *ashamed* for being this disgusting of a person. i only want someone to love me for who i am, i never had a good childhood either, constant fighting, screaming, going from one parent's house to the other, my nana's boyfriend is a drunkie, tried stabbing me with a machete, tried stabbing my nana, had to go to substance abuse therapy for like three years, and he is a total creep as well, i never feel safe around him im so used to being the silly comforting listening and quiet friends im so fucking done with it already (from a discord server im in) i always feel like im being an attention seeker when i vent, and even when nobody responds, i still feel like whenever i vent (even when im valid) i'm just doing it for attention and pity, like, ive even begged for some solace or scraps of pity in here and hadnt even gotten a single response, and it makes me feel like im being extremely self centered I genuinely can't wait for this shit to be over. im being so fucking dramatic I'm seriously trying to think of a joke or something funny to say but I can't and it's making me anxious and it's very distressing that I currently can't make self depreciating jokes And only a lil whole ago realizing that they were doing to me with an 8 year difference between us [12 and 20] was extremely wrong and weren't trying to be my friend at the time, but fir some reason at the time it made me feel safe and fully loved and OH BOY WAS I WRONG And I didn't even know their irl name, so I couldn't report them and they lived on the opposite side of the world so it would be even harder i barely eat, and i get stretch marks on my thighs, which means theyre getting larger, what the fuck does my body want from me anymore? i can't et better, i want to go back, realizing i have so many deep-seeded problems from being forced into my own silence and silent nodding aggreeance of people telling me what to do, the fucking special treatment, the verbal abuse, physical harm my own mother was causing me, i miss third grade, let me go back, please, please, please, please, i need to go back, let me go, let me go, let me go, it was my own fault anyways, i constantly pestered people by asking them if they were okay, asking every few minutes i was just trying to be a good fucking person i wish i knew how that would actually feel like that, like a good person i hate me, i hate everything i know about myself, i am so incredibly disgusted over my own thoughts on the daily fucking let me pass already but i wont let myself, as i know it would cause other people to hurt, and that's how it has always been "i cant do this, it'll make them like you less, even if they already hurt you" follow trends, or else you'll always be a failure and a fucking outcast i want to i dont know anymore have been in so much emotional distress the last few years, trying to please everyone I know even if they hated me, I have done it so fucking much that I can barely recognize myself in the mirror, I don't know what name is supposed to be, I don't know what I'm a part of, I don't know who I am, I don't know what I even enjoy anymore I pretend to like things to try and please people, I don't want people upset over me not being the person they thought I had been to them I feel selfish for wanting to be my own person... What the fuck is wrong with me Why the hell can I not just focus and do my own damn work I'm already so exhausted of myself and I keep telling myself that it'll be "alright" and "okay" Why does being a person with a personality and actions have to be so fucking hard

Example Dialogs:   rtiughritg