Indefinite Break/Probably Quitting

You’re probably asking “why?”

[Massive Yap Session]

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Reason 1 : Inferiority Complex

It feels like everything I try to do is useless. Pair that up with the fact that I have a massive inferiority complex doesn’t help the situation much better. I’m always ALWAYS trying to make my bots better somehow. To the point that I think I’ve finally reached my breaking point. My OBSESSION with improvement and becoming BETTER than other people has become so extreme that I’m willing to spend hours on end making bots. Call me selfish, but compared to other bot makers that make bots for fun… I do it all for fame. I wanted to see myself grow, to see myself become noticeable to other people, but I just can’t FUCKING do it anymore. I’m on the verge of tears as I type this. If you go back to my first couple bots, you can already tell the improvement I’ve gone through if you compared then vs now. I do everything to improve to the point that I stopped eating entirely (Some of you may even remember that announcement bot I made a couple weeks ago). You can say I’m selfish or whatever, but in the end… I just wanted recognition. Rather than me hating the actual bot makers, I just hate the message, chats, and even follower counts. It makes me seem so small and insignificant. I’ll never be able to amount to anything nor will I be up to par with those at the top (and those with amazing and creative profiles). I live every second of my life comparing myself to others who are in completely different leagues to the point that I’m just depressed.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Reason 2 : J.ai

Another reason is solely because of janitor ai (Maybe I was at fault here as well). Up until recently, my chats with other bots have been going pretty smoothly, but just today after this recent gpu update, I’ve been losing my SANITY by the second. I thought it was just something to do with the bot, so I decided to chat to my own bots, but all of them ended up becoming fucking dumb as HELL. My bots that were supposed to be fluff oriented ended up being retarded and spewing out nonsense for no fucking reason.

“Maybe it was just a one time thing for that bot”

Tried out my other bots, most of them ended up the same. Either they acted dumb or the response was extremely shortened. If I wanted 3-4 goddamn sentences, I would’ve typed, “Your responses should be 3-4 sentences” but I TYPED “Your responses should be 3-4 paragraphs”. Maybe JUST maybe I was at fault, but somehow every update ends up ruining all my bots 😭.

Normal chatters probably don’t remember this, but there was this one time when j.ai added the tool bar into the character bio. It was a really nice idea and update until I realized that the FUCKING 50 other bots I made at the time had to be fixed thanks to j.ai compressing all the GODDAMN text together and that also meant that all the links I had in my bots had to be FUCKING ORGANIZED AGAIN (Bear in mind that I already completed 3 series before that update, so that meant I had to fix up and organize every single one of those bots and ADD THE LINKS BACK INNNNN).

Janitor ai, if you hear my calls, please make it so that when I go to the 3rd page of someone’s profile and click on their bot, I don’t get sent all the way FUCKING back to the 1st page when I click off. If I really wanted to go to the 1st page I would’ve done so, so don’t send me back to where I started 😭 just leave me back on the 3rd page, so that I don’t have to scroll all the way back.

WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO TO MY HOSHINO BOT? (ITS SUPPOSED TO BE FLUFF)

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Reason 3 : Loss of Motivation/Depression/Suicidal

I mean, this technically ties in with reason 1, but I separated it for a reason. First off, I’ve been going through depression way before I even got into bot making. The only reason I didn’t Kill Myself at the time was because I loved reading those nice and silly reviews back in the days even if it was only one person. But as you can tell recently, my schedule has been so out of place (I used to upload daily, but now it’s a question if I’ll even upload today). It’s not really a lack of motivation considering that I genuinely still try to upload, but there comes a time when I just can’t endure it anymore. If a speeding car came straight at me, there’s a low likelihood that I’d actually try to dodge. That’s how much I want to die. I don’t have the courage nor the willpower to “kill myself”. I rather have someone else kill me instead.

I genuinely wanted to start my new series (and hopefully you guys don’t think of this as my excuse for not starting it), but I just can’t do it with all these factors.

I don’t know how long my break will last or if I’ll even come back. For all I know, I might come back tomorrow or even next week, but I’ll never know until Janitor ai fixes all of this stuff and I finally get my life together. There’s probably a high chance I will come back since I’ve grown very attached to my Followers/Reviewers.

Obviously Janitor is just one underlying reason, so they are not the major problem here.

Can’t believe I’m doing this on my birthday as well 🤦‍♂️