little chat cause I'm bored :)

I just wanted to make a little chat idk I'm rlly bored and kinda stressed so lessgo

its gonna be kinda like a half vent half chat half update??? idk

feel free to chat in the comments with me lol :3

currently, I'm eating expired candy. (it doesn't taste good but I cant stop eating it idk don't judge me!!)
I spent the day cleaning (the usual) but it was annoying and lemme explain why

my mom told me and my siblings to clean out the ENTIRE pantry. now, to put that into perspective, I live in a family of SEVEN people (including myself) so our pantry is HUGE with lots of food, espeacily since my mom makes a lot of food at home.

so, after spending HOURS of taking everything out, wiping down everything and putting it all back organized, my mom went 'nah, this isn't good enough.' AND FUCKING FORCED US TO DO IT AGAIN

I think my mom was mad at my dad again so she was taking it out on us AGAIN. (they were fucking fighting all day)

I've honestly gotten to the point where I'm one straw away from fucking snapping

my mom took away my phone, too so I cant chat with my friends which is sad :(

I can still chat with u guys tho since my mom is mad dumb and forgot I have a laptop

talking about the internet, imma just vent about something very fucking traumatic I went through real quick LOL-

ok, my parents gave me UNRESTRICTED internet access at about nine or ten years old.

you can prob imagine how that went.

I had this app on my tablet back then, I forgot the name but it was basically like a social media app where you could post stuff (and it was mainly game shit) but u could also chat with strangers. PRIVATLY.

yyyeeeahhh u can prob see how that went too.

I mean, I was rlly young and didn't really know what I was doing, and I didn't really feel loved by my parents really, and this guy constantly told me he loved me which looking back is FUCKING CREEPY but I understand how I fell for that.

anyways, I'm not sure how many people go through what I did but I'm sorry if u did. its rlly hard to talk about and I really hope other parents are keeping they're kids safe online, unlike mine.

the fact that I could facetime on that app too made things worse, and I honestly did some gross things that that guy told me to do while on facetime that still haunts me idk WHAT I was thinkiing

also what makes my situation hard is that my parents DONT BELIEVE IN THERAPY

u heard me right

and keep in mind, my dad goes to therapy for some traumtic stuff that happened in his childhood, and when I asked my mom 'if you don't believe In therapy, then why does dad get therapy?' and my mom said 'well, he's a special case.' LIKE, OKAY?!?! the fuck

like, sure, ME CUTTNG MYSELF IS FINE LETS JUST IGNORE THAT

like, actually, when I told my mom I SH'd she legit just said, "yeah, I did that when I was younger too, just stop. I'll get you vitamins that'll make ya feel better."

BITCH WHAT

she bought me these like, organic vitamnins that are suppose to make you happy

I know they don't work because I stare at them daily and consider overdosing on them SOOOOOO

my mom also hasent checked in on me ONCE since then. I know its a lot to ask ig, but it kinda hurts that she hasent asked me if my SH or depression or anxiety or anything is any better, she just ignores me if I say I'm feeling down.

I mean, I kinda would just like a hug at least jesus

I go through this weird thing sometimes where I'm too overwhelmed, so I just stop talking and zone out.

the only problem is my mom gets mad at me if I zone out, she says I'm being a 'downer', so I have to force myself to speak which just spikes my anxiety most of the time

like, the fact that I have to keep a convo while wanting to lay down and sob is genuinely hard

I find it morbidly funny when my parents say 'your not allowed to commit suicide'

like that's gonna stop me LOOLLL

what are they gonna do?? spank my dead body I don't get it

ohhh that reminds me of when my parents used to spank meeeee

I'm too big and strong for them to be able to anymore (I work out for this purpose alone....and to impress girls IM SORRY--) but when I was little they used to do that

that is literally the only punishment I fought against since it hurt like, REALLY BAD, considering my dad would hit me with all of his force and HES A PRETTY BIG DUDE and my mom would pin me down so I couldn't escape, and if I tried she'd just hold down me harder, which would burise my wrists and ankles sometimes

what made it worse is they'd STRIP me down Infront of MY WHOLE FAMLIY which just made it humaliting as well as painful

like, my ass would feel so sore I couldn't sit down a lot of the time

the first time they ever spanked me was when I was FUCKING THREE YEARS OLD, and my dad legit SPANKED ME HARD LIKE, 15 TIMES

how do I know this, you ask?!? BECAUSE MY MOM COMPLAINED ABOUT IT THE OTHER DAY

she legit just said to me, "ugh, remember when your dad hit your ass so hard that you refused to sit down? your such a crybaby, you'd refuse to sit down because 'your butt hurt to bad to', so I'd have to theraten more spankings if you didn't, which made you sit down but you'd cry."

THEY WERE FUCKING DOING THIS TO A THREE YEAR OLD!!?!?!?!

I mean, I remember begging my dad to stop or crying, which usually resolted in more spankings, and I do remember my ass being so sore and bursied sitting down hurt, but I only remember that from when I was like, SEVEN. NOT FUCKING THREE JESUS

ugh, it makes me literally shuddering thinking about it. I'm glad I'm too big now

although, spankings do happen in my household to this day

my mom spanked my brother the other day with a hairbrush, which sucked. I felt hopeless because I was too much of a coward to stand up for him

The brother I'm talking about is twelve and not very strong at all so I felt bad for him

my mom has slapped us a few times, but she doesn't really do it often since it can leave bruises or red marks

she mostly inflictes her punishments on my twelve year old brother, and he honestly just takes it

my mom knows she cant do those things to me since I'd REALLY fight back, and honestly she and me are at about equal strength

and she doesn't do it out my little siblings either really, cause she likes them more

she DOES yell at me and insult me and then will compliment me a minute later

which SUCKS because I feel like shes a good mom when she does that and legit forgets about what she just said to me

I find it honestly crazy that I'd be going into highschool this year

it makes me sad

I've wanted to go to public school my whole life, and yet I'm still fucking cramped up at home

I really wanna suggest public school but my parents don't like when I suggest things soooo UGHGHH

my dad rlly doesn't want me to go, idk. its frustrating.

my mom also keeps threating to leave my dad, which is fun

I have to keep a packed bag in my room Incase we have to leave suddenly, which is also SO MUCH FUCKING FUN

my nana is coming over in like, two weeks so I'm excited for that

shes the only one that treats me with respect, honestly

she and my uncle leave together so they're both coming over, and I'm so excited to see them again!!

honestly, my nana might have a heart attack when she sees how much I've changed, both physically and mentally LOL

the last time I saw her was about more then two years ago I think

some of the things that have changed are my hair, (I cut it way shorter and dyed it) my height (I'm now taller then her I think) my style (fucking hardcore emo/I look like someone who would kill you in a fucking heartbeat lol) I'm way more quiet (my mom caonstanty told me how loud and obniouxis I was so I started being more quiet lol)

my nana is really nice, to put in perspective, if I started going by a different name and pronouns, I bet u 200 hundred bucks she'd IMMEDSITLY start calling me by them

I might come out to her idk

I hate when I'm called a girl, or grouped with girls UGHHHH

oh, also, my mom was talking about sending me to this Christian group thingy that's like once a week so yayyy I'm about to fucking suffer most likely being ranted to about how homosexuality is a sin and how I should be prim and proper and wear dresses (yes that's what my old church was like and I hated it. if I wore pants I was ritaculed)

part of me wants to stretch out my REBLiouS side and wear a fucking rainbow or a pronoun pin or something LOL

yeah you know what?? I'm gonna wear something rainbow

and if someone asks me my pronouns I'm answering honestly, fuck my parents and they're transphobia

if they find out I'm died LOLLLL

🎶my names blurry face and I care what you think which we could back time to the good ol days when the mommas sang us to sleep but now were stressed out🎵

I have that song stuck in my head LOL

also, my mom never sang me to sleep which is kinda sad

sometimes I'd leave my door open and leave myself untucked and pretend to be asleep but she never came in and tucked me in when she passed my room which is really fucking sad wow I'm gonna stop talking

oh btw I have a TikTok:

tiktok.com/@am_i.dead0

Incase u wanna see me (or most of me I wear a mask IM INSECURE OKAY?!?!) do stupid shit and vent so yea

byeeee